Mixed up feelings

Got the letter today, opened it fearfully. There were two papers in it, one was the ATAR table and the other was my score sheet. Took a look at my score sheet, and then took a look at the table. OH OHH OHHHHH  So doomed. Scored so low. I keep on flipping those papers cause I knew I couldn't have scored that low, I know I should have at least 90, or 92 perhaps. But It wasn't, it was that darn 87. Few minutes later, I noticed i looked at the wrong score sheet! LOL I was looking at the example's score sheet. Pfft XD Then at the speed of light, I quickly add up my marks, and looked at the table again, to my surprise, it was higher than what I've expected. Way higher. But it wasn't what I wanted. It was a 97, 97.30. 

Told my mum about it, she didn't show any sign, at all. And I was a bit disappointed to be honest. And deep down, I know she is and STILL IS disappointed with me. I am always not good enough huh? Hmm I guess so.

And I sprained my ankle on Wednesday. It took me so much courage to tell her what happened. And she sort of say that I am such a burden at times when she's so busy. I felt bad. I shouldn't have told her. I shouldn't have made her worry. I shouldn't even exist at this place, I wasn't even suppose to be here. sigh. Just feel so bad about it. She's been busy enough to take care of this family and I'm making the burden even heavier for her.

And today is a college break :) Went to Sunway CF to serve. And we had prayer walk today. It is my first time doing activities like this. But I would really want to apologize to my group members for walking so slow and slowed the whole process. so sorry, such a burden to the group. But overall was good. And when praying. I feel so bad, ashamed and unworthy. I have the feeling in me that I wasn't even good enough to be at that place. Sighh. 

Oh and daddy, I just want to tell you I miss you so much. Sometimes I am so afraid that one day I might forget how you look like, your personality, your voice, everything. I hope it won't happen. You are the best dad I could ever ask. 

I wish all of this is just a nightmare, and I will wake up from this nightmare soon :(