What a day

What a day I had today. Sigh. Don't mind me but I just feel like blabbering every thing out here.

I just feel so upset with my own performance and my own act might have caused me a great lesson, lessons perhaps. Sigh. I just feel so down and upset. UGH 

Everything is just not okay. :(

Blessed day to all Mother earthlings

So the second Sunday of May is dedicated to all moms.

Blessed Mother's Day to all Mothers. 

And so here's how my day begins. Early morning, or late night. I was still surfing the net for some info and watching a movie while doing my chores. Due to the very late dinner at the super pack restaurant where the food came late, I couldn't really get into bed. So I continue doing some stuff.

And around 1.30am in the morning, I went to bed. This timing is considered quite late for me as I'm not a night person. So yeah. Went in to bed, feeling tired mentally but still couldn't get into bed. Turning around, shifting my bolsters and pillow, changing my position over and over again. Still didn't manage to do so. So I just lay there, with my eyes shut, but brain still thinking. 

There is so many things to think off, and yet I thought of dad him. The more I go into it, the sadder I become. Slowly, I feel afraid. Every time when I thought of him, I have this same feeling in me. I couldn't really express it in words. And it feels horrible to feel that way. I did shed a few tears, but I did not cry. 

And finally, I slept. Alarm rang at 7am and it's time for church service. Woke up. Mum not around. Woke my sisters up and get ready. Thought It was those Sundays where my mum went early to church for duty service or maybe just some random trips to the market to get some breakfast. And I was pretty excited that morning cause it's Mother's Day and I made a card for my mum, A pop up card. Got dress up and got the news. 

Sigh. Not again. 

Went to church service. 

I took it for granted. I thought it was just a small case and she would be fine. But it wasn't. Turned out something far more complicated. Sigh. Wanted to give her a surprise but she gave me one before hand. 

And looking at the timeline. It breaks my heart a lil. But it's okay, will continue to pray. Just get well soon and come back safe. #ily 

Anyway I still managed to give her the card I made. And erm, I like it the fact that she likes it :) Please be okay.
Love ya, mum.

Do not despair, for the journey has just begun.

I was too tired to wait till the night. So I went to bed. Praying to God that whatever the outcome is, may it be  for a better nation in the future. I was afraid, tbh. Afraid that this country is no longer a safe place to accommodate in. 

Woke up this morning to check. And the battle was...lost. 

It was a hard defeat. With all the high lifted spirits of the people in this country, so determined to change for a better Malaysia. Before the election, with all the slogan of 'UBAH' everywhere. They were so great, so so great. But what has truly happened during the GE?

Now that the battle has gone, but that does not signifies our journey will end here. NO, we shall and we will continue to fight on! We shall never despair, never lose sight of hope and faith. I know it is hard, but we shall all pull through together as one, One Malaysia.

Until the next general election, no matter which party you support in. Do try to pay more attention to our country's progress. Watch how this BN party is ruling our nation. Watch how BN can actually bring a Better Nation. Please observe that is our standard of living really increasing? Or just more of the taxpayer's money are used off just like that? I plead to all, please. 

For the next five years, I do not know what will happen. But I can say, I will definitely sign up as a voter, and practice my rights. I will not let those leaders down. Trust me, I won't. I know that there are a few of my friends out there who are over 21y.o. but did not want to sign up as a voter this year as they do not care about the GE at all. But I plead you all to do so for the upcoming one. Especially those business people, they can't seem to give in much to the politics happening in our country. But I hope somehow they will change their mind and choose to vote next year. Be a responsible 'rakyat'. 

Do not succumb into the fear of change, for we night not know what change can lead us to. Perhaps a brighter future? At least we try. 

With a positive mind and soul, please do not give up in our country. If our own 'rakyat' succumbs to this loss and defeat, No one could help us out anymore. Stand strong. The battle we might lost, but the journey continues. Have faith. Have hope. Do not despair, we still have hope in the future. The days ahead ahead are still unsure. 

Until the next five years. 

Do not despair, for the journey has just begun. 

Writing makes me feel better, whole lot better.

Still on my way losing weight! Working out has been a lot harder since I sprained my ankle few days back. The thing to be grateful is that I can finally walk like a normal person again :) No more odd stare from people around me. YAYY So glad that I do not need to wear that ankle support thingy again! I look so weak in that. 

However, running is still on hold, for now. And I've signed up for New Balance 10k run today :) Actually I wanted to do a half marathon but due to this ankle injury that had disrupted my training schedule, haihhh. I guess next year only can join 21k :( But I am still thankful for everything that happened.

And i had this nightmare yesterday. I dreamed that I broke BOTH of legs and could only rely on a wheelchair. That is freaking scary to me, freaking scary. And i was such a burden to my family members, as if the situation now is any better huh. Oh. Anyway, glad that it was only a dream.

I want to weigh 7.8stones / 110 pounds / 59kg 

That will be my target. There's still a long way to go, but at least I am on my way there. 

Not to forget, PRAY FOR MALAYSIA. 

Till we meet again. 

#300 Dedicating this to him

Back when I was a child 

Before life removed all the innocence 

My father would lift me high 

And dance with my mother and me 

And then 

Spin me around 'till I fell asleep 

Then up the stairs he would carry me 

And I knew for sure 

I was loved 

If I could get another chance 

Another walk 

Another dance with him 

I'd play a song that would never ever end 

How I'd love love love 

To dance with my father again 

When I and my mother 

Would disagree 

To get my way I would run 

From her to him 

He'd make me laugh just to comfort me 

yeah yeah 

Then finally make me do 

Just what my mama said 

Later that night when I was asleep 

He left a dollar under my sheet 

Never dreamed that he 

Would be gone from me 

If I could steal one final glance 

One final step 

One final dance with him 

I'd play a song that would never ever end 

Cause I'd love love love to 

Dance with my father again 

Sometimes I'd listen outside her door 

And I'd hear how mama would cry for him 

I'd pray for her even more than me 

I'd pray for her even more than me 

I know I'm praying for much to much 

But could you send back 

The only man she loved 

I know you don't do it usually 

But Dear Lord 

She's dying to dance with my father again 

Every night I fall asleep 

And this is all I ever dream

Mixed up feelings

Got the letter today, opened it fearfully. There were two papers in it, one was the ATAR table and the other was my score sheet. Took a look at my score sheet, and then took a look at the table. OH OHH OHHHHH  So doomed. Scored so low. I keep on flipping those papers cause I knew I couldn't have scored that low, I know I should have at least 90, or 92 perhaps. But It wasn't, it was that darn 87. Few minutes later, I noticed i looked at the wrong score sheet! LOL I was looking at the example's score sheet. Pfft XD Then at the speed of light, I quickly add up my marks, and looked at the table again, to my surprise, it was higher than what I've expected. Way higher. But it wasn't what I wanted. It was a 97, 97.30. 

Told my mum about it, she didn't show any sign, at all. And I was a bit disappointed to be honest. And deep down, I know she is and STILL IS disappointed with me. I am always not good enough huh? Hmm I guess so.

And I sprained my ankle on Wednesday. It took me so much courage to tell her what happened. And she sort of say that I am such a burden at times when she's so busy. I felt bad. I shouldn't have told her. I shouldn't have made her worry. I shouldn't even exist at this place, I wasn't even suppose to be here. sigh. Just feel so bad about it. She's been busy enough to take care of this family and I'm making the burden even heavier for her.

And today is a college break :) Went to Sunway CF to serve. And we had prayer walk today. It is my first time doing activities like this. But I would really want to apologize to my group members for walking so slow and slowed the whole process. so sorry, such a burden to the group. But overall was good. And when praying. I feel so bad, ashamed and unworthy. I have the feeling in me that I wasn't even good enough to be at that place. Sighh. 

Oh and daddy, I just want to tell you I miss you so much. Sometimes I am so afraid that one day I might forget how you look like, your personality, your voice, everything. I hope it won't happen. You are the best dad I could ever ask. 

I wish all of this is just a nightmare, and I will wake up from this nightmare soon :(